Just Let Me Know Where You've Been

23-year-old living with high-risk HPV since June 2011. This is my chance to talk to others with the same virus, help those that I can, and hopefully find others that can help me. Talk to me, ask me questions, be my friend. This is a SEX-POSITIVE, QUEER-FRIENDLY blog.

My discharge has been worse this time around than ever before. WTF is that shit? Since the day after I ended my period, it has been heavier and darker than normal. It is non-stop. I don’t understand. I know that I should trust what the doctor says but I can’t believe that this isn’t related to my HPV. Why would it keep getting worse and why would it have never happened before the virus? What is so special about the age of 23 to where this would happen? I can’t imagine that my body is any more ready to have a child than it ever has been so it shouldn’t be that. What the hell is my body doing? Is it just fucking with me?

I recognize how bad this is effecting my head by the choices that I am making. I know that I am doing whatever I can to give him the chance to impress me. He won’t. And it’ll go nowhere. And everything will fall apart whichever way it goes.

I just hate where it is all going and I know that results don’t matter in all of this. But…why can’t results come back fucking quicker?

I smashed my phone on accident today so if they DO call me tomorrow, I am not going to get to answer and talk to them and that is fucking me up. I just…ugh.

I want to pick up and leave so badly. I really feel like nothing good can happen to me in this town - or even this state. The longer I stay, the more bad shit that is going to happen to me. The more bad decisions I know that I am going to make. At least I know that some of them are impossible. And all of the outward bad mistakes I could make will be turned inward and will hurt no one else, which is a plus. But…blah.

In other words, I need to get my results back and hope that it somehow magically fixes my head but I know it will not.　

Talked to my mother briefly today about my HPV and my feelings towards future relationships and sexual partners. Told her that I didn’t really see myself wanting to be in a sexual or romantic relationship any time soon, if ever. She wasn’t too surprised and didn’t try to convince me otherwise. I don’t know if she has been talking to someone or if she just has gotten used to how I am and how things like this affect (effect? ugh) me. Asked me what my feelings were regarding when/if my roommate decides that he doesn’t want to be celibate forever and finds someone else to be with, and I told her that I knew that was a good possibility and that it is fine. I didn’t say it but I know that that could happen and that, as much as it might bother me, I would learn to be okay with it because I don’t want him to be waiting around for someone that may never be emotionally available. I also know that if I was in a relationship with my roommate and we never had sex, he would be okay with that and never pressure me, no matter how long it had been or how badly he wanted it. But I am probably even less emotionally available than I am sexually available.

In the past few years, sex has become something that I do with people I rarely know because, otherwise, it is way too intimate and that is something I can’t really handle. It doesn’t have to be intimate with people you barely know. The only reason it worked with the ex that gave me HPV is because we were mere acquaintances at first. Being with someone that knows me so well is too scary.

And with the added bonus of having an STD that will probably never completely go away, I can’t imagine I will even give in to the urges with anyone. Sex only works when I don’t have to think and this causes me to think. Sex with thinking = panic attacks. I am done with having that kind of sex. I am done with sex. I am really hoping that if I get put on birth control, it will completely kill my sex drive and I won’t have to worry about it.

I am so bad for my roommate because I know how much he loves me. If I meant less to him, I could completely cut myself from his life and know that it wouldn’t hurt him but that isn’t reality. Reality is that we are best friends, that we love each other, but one of us is damaged goods for many reasons and nothing can really fix that.

The ex worked for me because I was damaged goods and he didn’t give a shit. I could say or do anything and the topic would be changed. He had no interest in what was going on deeper than what I told him. He had no interest in me becoming more of a person than I am now. His interest was in the fact that I was his, that he had me, that he got me, and that I didn’t leave him. I was an attachment and that is something I am comfortable with - never having to worry about someone else looking too deep. I could have cut my arms wide open and told him that nothing was wrong and he would take my word for it. It happened all the time.

I don’t know how anyone survives in relationships that involve real work, real communication. That was the kind of relationship that I had with my roommate when he dated and I ran from it constantly. Nothing is wrong if you don’t acknowledge it, right?

Once I hear back from the gyno and they say nothing is wrong (assuming that is what they say) and my new insurance kicks in, I think I might get put on birth control to control this fucking discharge. It is getting so much worse and I can’t take it. It is seriously freaking me out.

What are some of the side effects of birth control? Does it cause you to gain weight? What is the best type you’ve had/tried?　

Seriously, I wouldn’t even bother reading my posts until I get my results. They are going to be full of self-loathing and complaints.

It is becoming very obvious how rough these days/weeks are going to be until I hear back, even though I already know what they will say. I feel like I am just counting down to see what kind of reaction I really have and if I can really withstand any more of this. It is ridiculous to think that this virus is a physical thing but all it has really done to me is fuck with my mind. I bet that my body is fine - I am probably very healthy overall. But my head is gone, completely without rational thought and slowly deteriorating into mush and dangerous thoughts.

The worst part is going to be hearing that I am fine, at least in the sense that I am no worse. Because I am NOT fine and it does not matter what they say or how they say it, it does not make it anywhere near the truth. Knowing that even if it goes away, it might come back and to make sure that it doesn’t means that I have to constantly pay attention to my body is completely dangerous to me and something that I cannot handle on a long-term basis. I already have such a spotlight on my body and the things that I put into it and the things that I will allow and the things that effect me and even though I know that none of that is anything that I will probably ever be able to stop anyway, knowing that I now have no choice because of this stupid thing that I let happen to me is just one more thing that I cannot handle. I just fucking hate everything about this fucked up situation and I hate that I let myself get stuck here. I hate that my only option is to continue hurting the people that actually care about me because I am so involved in this, which will always lead me back to the one person that cares about me the fucking least. And I hate that I was awful enough to fucking ruin my roommate’s last relationship, as fucked up as it was, because I thought there was any sort of chance that I would ever be able to act normal again. Every day is another reminder that any sort of normalcy is gone for me and that I’m never going to be able to allow myself to actually be with anyone again. The trauma that I felt before has somehow magnetized by an event that isn’t even necessarily related and I fucking hate it.

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This List will be updated as we find, receive or create new resources. If for any reason you would like to voice a complaint, or a concern over the behaviour displayed by these blogs, I direct you to our ask box:

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~Maddy

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